Superpower #33: Introspection
How I lost my Irish accent but gained a valuable lesson in the bargain.
My first job in the US was for a consulting agency. That experience literally changed my life. I was hired in America before I took my final year exams in Ireland! The company sponsored my VISA, paid for relocation, and set me on my professional path. Through that job, I made friends and relationships for life and I am forever grateful. I can’t think of a better way to have launched my career.
About 2 or 3 months into my new job I got pulled aside for some feedback. I still remember the discussion (P.P. if you’re out there THANK YOU! ). I was told in the politest, kindest, and most gracious way possible; “you’re doing great, your delivery is fantastic, your contributions are raising the bar, there’s just one thing…you have GOT to clean up your language and stop cursing so much”. My response was “what the f**k are you talking about? I don’t curse that much!!” immediately followed by “oh sh1t you’re right”.
I left that 1x1 in a daze. I was crushing it, how could I be getting this feedback? Surely my manager was overreacting? As the day wore on the little voice in my head turned from anger and denial into shame, regret, and a localized pit in my stomach. I realized my colloquial Irish idiosyncrasies whilst charming to some were inadvertently offensive in this new American environment. Then I realized it wasn’t the environment; I was just being unprofessional in general. I should underscore here that I was never vulgar or mean-spirited, we Irish use profanity in an almost musical way, but I was certainly unprofessional. I still cringe thinking about it. How could I recover?
Introspection and the ability to derive clear action out of a piece of feedback is a superpower that will level up your career.
They say feedback is a gift. This gift felt like a punch to the gut. I was completely blindsided by the feedback, to the point of disbelief and denying its validity. It bounced around in my head for days afterward and when I inevitably came to realize that I was at fault I felt horrible. I can’t convey how difficult that epiphany was to my younger infinitely self-assured self. I was a GREAT developer, I was NOT in the habit of receiving constructive feedback. This sucked!!
That piece of feedback was very difficult to hear and probably just as difficult to deliver. It took a strong manager to give that feedback clearly and directly, and I wanted to make sure I took action as a result.
I took two lessons away;
Pre-processing: I resolved to think before I spoke and be more mindful of my words and how they are received. I started pre-processing what I was about to say in my head and editing out all my creative adjectives and pejoratives. That was the easy part.
The more difficult lesson was related to the meta-problem, the issue BEHIND the issue. I realized that I had blindspots, things I was doing that I was not aware of. Things I could only become aware of through feedback and thoughtful, objective self-examination.
Introspection and the ability to derive clear action out of a piece of feedback is a superpower that will level up your career. Feedback is only effective if it’s received and internalized through Self Reflection. For me, this practice of self-analysis is very difficult. I don’t dwell on successes. My mind gravitates to failures and mistakes. I examine and re-examine past events when things don’t go as planned. I kick myself over and again in a spiral of negativity. But it’s the only way I learn.
It’s been 25 years but I still think about that feedback every few months. Whenever I meet someone new they’re often surprised to learn I grew up in Ireland. When they ask what happened to my Irish brogue I tell them “it comes and goes”. The truth is deeper and now you know the reality; I’m still pre-processing.
Hello Francis, great article and i do know who PP is :<)). I was born and raised in NYC. So I get what you are saying. I as a Brooklyn kid through and through. And when I or any of my friends gave "feedback" LOTS OF 4 LETTER WORDS were invoked. Through HS and then college in upstate NY, I told people "what it is" in some interesting terms. But college also made me aware and as my responsibilities grew, I had to clean it up. My 1st 18 years in IT were all Wall St. The dichotomy of being "professional" while dealing with a myriad of "cultures" many of which used curse words as the primary mode of communication, made for an interesting path.
When I met you "young ones" full of fire and extreme confidence, I had about 20 years in the business and had to smile as I saw reflections of my younger self. Language and behavior is about how we interact. Conway's law shows how much that means in terms of building good solutions. The interface is everything. But it needs a principle and that is EMPATHY. Which was so amazing when MIT Design Thinking courses have shown empathy is the most critical factor in successful outcomes.