The Imposter

How to conquer your worst critic...even when "the call is coming from inside the house."

There’s a voice that lives rent-free in my head. It’s quiet most of the time but when I am unsure of myself or how to deal with a difficult situation it steps to the forefront and tries to dominate.

This voice ranges from a small whisper in the back of my mind to a manic flurry of thoughts that fill me with nervous energy. None of this is outwardly visible of course but inside the voice is whispering “They won’t listen”, “You shouldn’t be doing this”, “you're not qualified" and on and on until the situation is resolved.

Somehow, even 25 years into my career I still get Imposter Syndrome!

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Imposter Syndrome (my definition) is “a psychological phenomenon characterized by feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud. Despite evidence of competence and accomplishments, those experiencing imposter syndrome believe their success is due to luck rather than their abilities.”

As an engineer, I’ve always felt more confident leading teams when I’ve had direct hands-on experience in the technology they use e.g. mobile development, service development, etc. But as you scale it’s impossible to have worked in every field.

For example, I’m currently responsible for two areas where I have no professional hands-on experience - Systems Engineering (firmware and low-level sensor integration) and most recently Artificial Intelligence and Computer Vision. So what can I do? I’m learning on the job!

The AnitaB.org Institute found that imposter syndrome is particularly common among women in technology. The survey revealed that 72% of women in the technology sector experienced imposter syndrome at some point in their careers.

Imposter Syndrome hits about 70% of people at some point in their careers and impacts women in tech far more than men (72% vs 46%). Even as I’m writing this I’m questioning whether this article is valuable, do I have the credibility to be publishing this? who am I to be offering an opinion?

This is a big problem! so here I’ll share some coping mechanisms that I’ve tried to make work for me:

• Transparency - It’s humbling but I do try to admit when I don’t have experience in a specific area. E.g. low-level systems software. This opens up the opportunity for the team, who are highly skilled in this area to teach me! and I am slowly learning.

• Introspection - reflecting on my gaps helps me strategize whether it’s possible to close them with self-learning OR seek an alternative strategy. See the next bullet:

• Trust - I trust my team and reach out for their input. I know they have deep domain knowledge and expertise that I’ll never attain but I can make up for it with collaboration and trust.

• Self-learning - I’ve tinkered with a lot of stuff over the years, mostly out of curiosity about how things work. E.g. I am mostly self-taught in electrical engineering and have designed circuits for personal projects and hacked all sorts of things together at a fairly high level of competence (surface-mounted soldering still eludes me). I’m conversant in basic concepts, this gives me the confidence to ask the dumb questions. I’m also painfully aware that a little knowledge is dangerous, so again I look to the team to pressure-test my thinking.

• Seek a mentor - I’ve been fortunate to work with some amazing people over the years who are not only talented but also extremely generous with their time and willing to offer their advice and counsel. Such is my current situation. Sometimes it’s enough to just run your line of thinking by someone and have them just listen. No “here’s what you should do” but rather just share the problem. A good sounding board can be a tremendous asset if you can find one.

• Take a step back - That voice in my head can be pretty critical. Too much negativity for too long is not healthy so I try to stay objective and remind myself “You’re only human, you screwed up but you’ll do better” or whatever consolation I can dream up for the occasion. I also remind myself that EVERYone goes through this. No one has their sh1t figured out. Literally, no one.

• Pay it forward / Encourage others - Realizing we’re all learning, I try to encourage folks with a direct-message whenever I see them trying something new.

This stuff isn’t easy. When people say “growth is painful,” I think Imposter Syndrome is one of those pains they’re referring to. It’s ok to be uncomfortable. It’s a sign you’re trying something new and hopefully growing as a result. Each new painful trial you go through deposits another tiny layer of confidence along with the scar tissue. I believe they call it “experience”.

There’s no cure for Imposter Syndrome. I’m ok with that. It’s a companion on the journey. If it ever leaves me I’ll know I’m done, but for now, I’ll keep up the pretense, try to learn from those around me, and do the best I can.